Ni hao, wo Jiao ... / Hi, my name is ...

Well things here have been really busy, haven’t had a lot of time to post and nothing really that remarkable has happened to be honest.

I will start this post by dispelling a few myths about Asians.

1. They are not all small, actually in comparison to the UK so far I haven’t seen a huge difference in height and if a difference exists it is marginal at best.

2. Not all Asians are polite or care about the feelings of others. This was for me believed to be a fact, that the empathy and sensitivity of Asians was a given. However, like above there is not a huge difference from the UK. In fact I guess in Taiwan people would appear more rude to us due to their curiosity. They want to know everything about you and will then proceed to judge you based on the gathered information. This is the reason that Eve’s family thought it would be easier for me to not feel pressured to tell people and when people ask we decided it was easier to say my Father was dead, not technically a lie seen as how for me personally he ceased to exist since I was 16. Asians believe due to the colour of my skin then I must be rich.

3. Not all Asians know or practice Kung Fu, in actual fact per capita I think there are probably more people studying Martial Arts in the UK. However, there exists a high standard of Art in Taiwan. The reason for this you ask, well it comes down to one person. Our friendly neighbourhood Spiderman, just kidding it was Chairman Mao – well they both like the colour red. Listen up kids this is the history bit: You see when he decided to get  a few friends together and play the game called “The people’s cultural revolution” well some of the kids didn’t want to play so they ran away and hid on a little place called “Formosa” (now known as Taiwan). I guess they thought that Mao was a bully, he wanted to play but everyone had to play by his rules. So the people who opposed it moved here. Now what Mr Mao did was he decided to outlaw Martial Arts and then he set about restructuring them. He felt that Kung Fu should be more about an almost operatic dance, where the idea was to entertain and perform, so you and your opponent should look good in a spectacular extravaganza for the viewers. This was called “Wushu”. Now for me, I have dabbled and studied a fair few Martial Arts originating from all corners of the World and personally I find Wushu to be a bit less of a martial art and more of a ritualistic form of dancing, think dancing with weapons in shiny silk suits and then at the end some people score you out of ten and if you win you get a nice shiny trophy. Nothing Martial about that right? Wushu changed Chinese Kung Fu but not completely, many masters kept their roots and went underground, others fled to Hong Kong (most notably Yip Man) and others ended up on the Island of Formosa. A lot of the martial arts here can trace its lineage back to Shaolin Monks (believed to be the origination of Kung Fu, well with the help of a monk from India but that’s another story).

So back to the breakfast store, I have been working there for a week now, mostly it has been fine. A lot to learn and obviously the language barrier doesn’t help. So it means that I spend a lot of time standing listening to Chinese and then Eve will translate, this can be quite frustrating. I have learned how to assist in making really traditional food that most of the people in other breakfast stores can’t even produce.  The major problem though is the lack of direction, everyday my role and responsibility has been changing so much so that I am a bit lost with how to do stuff, the way I learn is watch, do and then repeat then it stays in my brain. So we decided that from Monday I would get a proper chance to do the job outright. The work is not technically stimulating or challenging, it is more a kin to a robotic process but the thing that makes it difficult is that you are spread between so many different processes.  The bit I hate the most is when you mix the stuff for dumplings. You take some sauce stuff mix it with an egg and then you add four different meats that have been minced. To me they look like brains and to pass the time when I am doing the job I imagine I am working in a restaurant for Zombies and am preparing a delicacy of brains.

There is a difference in the measurement system in Taiwan. There exists the Taiwanese Kg which unlike the normal kg of the metric system is made up of 16 grams. The reason for this again originates back to China. The Taiwanese where so eager to distance themselves from China that they changed the normal measurement to the new system. Thus again highlighting their defiance of Mainland China. Now if you are sitting there believing this then you my friend are gullable, I made it up, I don’t have any idea why the system is different but I am sure it is not even close to the reason I gave. You are probably sitting there thinking ah well even if I was gullable then so what it is not like I would know, but I know at least you Dean would have believed it.

There are a couple of regular customers who I see every day almost and as I don’t know their names I have taken to naming them myself.

 The first is  ”Nice Guy Eddie” the first time he saw me he looked shocked and didn’t say anything. His shock was understandable though, he probably didn’t expect to see a white guy at 5am in a traditional Taiwanese breakfast store. The next day though he said “Hi”, a tradition he has kept up every day, he is humble and meek and for this reason I call him “Nice Guy Eddie”.

Second is “Chris Cross”. This guy always watches the same show on TV while eating breakfast, it is a strange show (in Chinese) but it is basically three guys and girls and they have to do tasks or face forfeits (that is what I have figured out so far anyway) sometimes it can be funny though. In Taiwan some people when on a scooter wear their jacket the opposite way round or back to front. This is not as crazy as it seems, it is to provide wind resistance while driving a wind breaker I guess. But as he keeps it on like this while eating, I call him Chris Cross you remember those guys back in the day who said they “where gonna make you jump”.

Lastly comes in the heavy hitter. An old guy who wears a lot of history on his face, I have no idea of knowing his actual age but he is old and looks like one tough guy. He shot me a few glances the first time he saw me and when I look at him I see a guy who has lived possibly longer than I will and probably has many a story he could tell. He also looks like someone you wouldn’t have messed with and for these reasons I have nicknamed him “Clint Eastwood”.

The only other thing I have given a name so far is “Steve” the house lizard I have seen a few times on the balcony of Eve’s parents place. I want to catch him and keep him as a pet but Eve is not so keen on that idea as she doesn’t like them. They are fast as hell though so catching him would be difficult. I just leave him to be free but bestow on him the name “Steve”.

The traffic in Taiwan is still a bit scary to say the least. We have taken a walk to the electronic store not far from home and you literally walk over a railway crossing beside the traffic, then you can cross when the lights say you can walk. Only problem is the traffic that is now allowed to go from where you just came some of them turn right which puts them right onto the crossing. They come quite fast too around a blind corner. It seems the concept of a filter system is alien to the people of Taiwan, maybe one day I can explain it to them. People often jump the lights too and I can see why accidents happen, I don’t know for certain but I would be willing to wager that the motor insurance industry is booming in Taiwan.

I think it will be a while before I am confident enough to throw myself into the experience of the Road. I think that Jack Kerouac’s book would have been a lot different if he had been born in Taiwan instead.

I was talking with Eve about one day having my own scooter or even a bike in the future. She said I will, I mentioned that maybe I could pick up a cheap second hand one. This is apparently a no-no in Taiwan. Superstitions exist, and they believe that if you buy a second hand bike or car that it could have been involved in motor accidents and they believe that said vehicle would then be almost cursed with bad luck. If you then owned that bike it would mean that the bad luck or spirits from the old owner would then become passed onto you.

Connor, my son, still hasn’t made an appearance, but we expect it could be anytime soon, probably this week. I can’t wait to see him and look down into him and see a part of me reflected back. I have been feeling a little strange lately, like I am losing my identity. Back home I was someone, I had things and people that defined me. Here I don’t have them and I am feeling more and more like my identity here is simply as the “Foreigner”.

People still stare all the time and it has begun to make me feel really self-conscious. I knew that coming here I would be different but I had no idea that those differences would be so magnified and echoed. I sometimes, wish I could have a day where I blended in or was invisible. I enjoy when we go on the scooter as I wear a full face helmet and then it is harder for people to spot that I am so different.

At home is difficult, I only really speak to Eve due to the language barrier. Her family really try and learn English and communication is strained or broken at best. It may be a few English words punctuated with a lot of Chinese. I miss being able to just have conversations, I miss the people and places of home.

The work here can be quite boring and as most of the time I have no idea what people are saying I have taken to listening to my ipod to pass the time. It makes the work faster, I get lost in the familiarity of the songs and I guess in a way I feel similar to how an immigrant worker would feel. The music is good but I feel in some way it aids my withdrawal, locking me inside, closing out the alien world around me.

Today I heard a familiar song being played at home and I sought out the source, eager to find the root and discuss and share with the listener the connection to the music. I was disappointed to discover that the music was originating from my room where I had left the music on shuffle.

A few things are frustrating me, particularly when I am working and then someone will spout of lots of Chinese, I have no idea if they are indicating I am doing something wrong or not, mostly it turns out to be unrelated. Also in Chinese it seems that something really simple becomes very complicated, for instance trying to weigh noodles they have to be 6.12 Taiwanese Kg. To me this is simple, say “ok, weigh these to 6.12” but in Chinese many minutes pass. I am often called to watch something that is so simple it doesn’t need to be watched, like sieving flour.

When my son is here things will be better, I will have an identity again I will be a father.

This blog was brought to you by the letter “W” and the number “12”